Famous Quotes / Steven Wright
120 Quotations by Steven Wright
- 21. I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards. now everywhere i go, i'm chased by a ...
- 22. I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got s ...
- 23. I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told the ...
- 24. I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
- 25. I bought some powdered water yesterday. I don't know what to add.
- 26. I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
- 27. I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, ...
- 28. I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, ...
- 29. I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
- 30. I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
- 31. I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
- 32. I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
- 33. I had some eyeglasses. i was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
- 34. I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
- 35. I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.
- 36. I have a microwave fireplace in my house. The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the e ...
- 37. I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off ...
- 38. I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when ...
- 39. I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
- 40. I have an existential map; it has "you are here" written all over it.